In the Eye of the Storm

These past few weeks have been rough. It seems that it’s one challenge after another and I just feel so sad that my mother is going through such a physically difficult time. Just last week, on the day of her fourth laser treatment, we went to see her surgeon because part of her JP Drain broke. I thought she needed another operation to reinsert it, good thing the doctor said that the drain can be replaced without a major operation anymore.

It’s not just the financial strain it’s putting on us. More than anything else, I just don’t want my mother to go through such a physically and emotionally painful ordeal anymore. She hasn’t been feeling well since late last year, and it’s almost August already. She has been feeling weak and sick for almost 10 months.

To be honest, I have to deal with this fear of seeing her in so much suffering. I think that fear is a perfectly human reaction to this kind of situation. I don’t understand people who say that they don’t feel fear because their faith is strong. The only way you can escape fear is to turn your back on what’s happening,  to put distance between you and your family and to close your eyes, your ears, and your heart to the reality that your parent is terribly sick. Even then, I’m sure there’s still going to be a nagging feeling in your heart that everything is not okay.

The truth is that I face this fear everyday, but it’s also what made me realize how fortunate we are because Jesus is our Messiah. It’s not just because He delivered me from death. Everyday, He delivers me from this fear. When mama’s JP Drain broke last week, I was crying to God the night before. All I could say is “Jesus, rescue us” because I didn’t want mama to go through an operation again. True enough, He rescued us from this ordeal.

I work from home but I am a salaried employee. I have a specific salary that I earn monthly. Somehow, by God’s grace, all our needs are met. Mama’s laser therapy, her groceries, our needs at home, and a little extra for when she wants something specific to eat from somewhere. He has shown Himself faithful every single time. Ewan ko kung paano nagkakasya, pero nagkakasya naman, by God’s grace. Minsan sobra pa. He’s continuously touching the hearts of people around us to extend us help, and it’s always more than just enough.

I am very much amazed at how God strengthens and calms the heart of my mom. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now. All I can do is give her the best kind of support that I have to give, but everything else, she needs to face on her own. The strength of her faith and her spirit is amazing. I realized that this too is a gift from God. So many people slip into depression when they are sick, but my mother is determined to praise and serve God for as long as she lives.

This hope that we are holding on to, God renews it everyday. I realized that in certain situations, it really does need to be renewed every time we open our eyes in the morning because each day presents a new challenge. It becomes humanly impossible to keep our head up and stay on the path we are supposed to take. Everyday it also becomes clear to me that fear can take over your life if you let it. It’s a powerful, crippling emotion and state of mind. Everyday, I’ll just do what King David does. According to Psalm 56:3 “But whenever I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.”

When pressed on all sides, that’s all the more reason to call on Jesus to rescue us. Even if all logic points towards hopelessness and despair, Jesus breaks this logic and puts us in the eye of the storm instead, where we experience his perfect peace. Even if the doctors say that my mom doesn’t have long to live, I say that absolutely nothing is impossible with God. So no matter what happens, I will continue to praise Him everyday.

The Journey So Far

Last Tuesday, we went with mama to her doctor for her third laser therapy. Ideally she’ll need 15 consecutive laser treatments (one per week) then it will taper off to once a week. Each week presents a new challenge and each week also amazes me with how God takes care of His children. My friends have been very supportive. God really showed us the love that He has for us by sending us people who shower us with their love and support. Many of our friends are praying for us. A couple even went to the clinic to pray for mama before her third laser treatment. There are friends who call her everyday to ask how she is doing, nakaka-touch nga. God really blessed us by putting a lot of compassionate and generous people in our life.

At the beginning of the treatment, Aljude and I hardly had any money to put gas in our car. We didn’t have money for our own groceries, let alone mama’s groceries. Then help from my friends started to pour in. It helped us get our bearings back. For two months, our friends supported us until we could get back on our feet. We’re still a bit wobbly but we learned a valuable lesson from the experience. Worrying does NOT solve anything. Sometimes you think you’ve done everything you could do, and you don’t believe that help could come if you don’t get up and do something. The truth is that we can only do so much for ourselves. Minsan bigla nalang magpapadala ng tulong si Lord if you cry out to Him, if you stop long enough to really ask. It has happened to our family, and it’s an amazing experience.

I also learned that it’s never too late to spend time with your parents. Minsan, yun lang ang iniintay nila, and they look forward to it a lot. Sa mga tao na may malulusog at malalakas na magulang pa, wag niyo nang intaying magkasakit pa ang mga magulang niyo before you spend quality time with them, taking care of them. There really comes a times when children should realize that they can take care of their parents too, hindi yung tayo lang parati ang inaalagaan at inaaruga.

Another thing I learned is that your family is really your first ministry. See the passage below, especially the words that I underlined and emphasized.

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry 
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— 
when you see the naked, to clothe them, 
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.”

Isaiah 58:6-9

Minsan may mga darating na mga opportunities para sa atin na i-practice yung Christianity natin. Yung totoong essence at kabuluhan ng Christianity. Sa mga maliliit at malalaking situations na makikita natin daily, lalo na sa mga situations na pwede natin itong ipakita sa pamilya natin. Yung mga tao na nasa likod mismo ng bakuran natin, ika nga. People who claim to be Christians and yet have no compassion for the hungry, the poor and the oppressed, and who turn their back on their family especially in times of need are missing a lot in their Christian lives. It’s a rare and wonderful experience to be in the position to help other people and your family, whether it’s through providing financially, contributing your presence and your support, or actively praying for them.

Mama is doing okay so far. She has episodes of pain sometimes and she has edema on some parts of her body. Aside from that, she’s doing pretty well. She’s eating well, she can walk short distances, and she’s in good spirits. She’s fighting the good fight and making this phase of her life as productive and meaningful as possible. She’s still devoting her time and as much energy as she can serving God.

We’re all praying that she’ll be cancer free soon. Complete healing and restoration of her health and strength from the sole of her feet to the top of her head.

Lessons from pain

Last Saturday, the doctor said something that shook me to my core. He said that for cases like my mom’s (who has stage 4 breast cancer), the patients are only given 4 to 6 months more to live. More or less. Chemotheraphy isn’t a realistic option anymore because the survival rate for stage 4 cancer is very little (.5%). It shook me, and I will admit that when I went home that night, I was very discouraged and afraid, there was no peace in my heart. I questioned God. I asked Him why these things are happening to our family. I didn’t feel blessed at all.

Then I am reminded of a few very important things. I was reminded that we are blessed with very good friends who helped us financially as well as emotionally through the difficult times. When we brought my mom to the hospital for her operation, my husband and I were in a bad place emotionally and financially because we had just lost our baby. My brother was also experiencing difficulties because his first baby was born premature and had to stay in the hospital for over a month.

During these difficult days, our friends came to our aid and helped us pay our hospital bills. My friends even chipped in so that we can buy food and medicine for my mom after she came home from the hospital and for several weeks after. At the point of our need, the Lord always sends people to help us out every step of the way. From the hospital bills to the food that she eats weekly. These coming weeks, my husband and I are looking forward to healthier finances. We’re getting back on our feet slowly. However, the weeks before and after my mom’s operation would have been very difficult to surmount if we didn’t have the help of friends who held our hands through it. Friends who called, emailed, and texted almost everyday just to ask how we were doing.

The best kind of comfort and reassurance? Seeing God’s promises fulfilled right before our eyes.

We’re trying bioresonance laser treatment with ma. Last Monday was her first session and so far, it looks positive. Her pain was lessened, she feels stronger, her appetite is good. Hopefully, with God’s help, we can sustain 12 continuous weekly sessions and then taper down to one session per month for two years. It’s gonna be a long journey, but I know we’re not in it alone.

Chicken Schnitzel

This is my version of chicken schnitzel. It’s not exactly the same as the traditional recipe, but I tweaked it to fit my and my husband’s taste, which is the fun part of cooking. You get to personalize whatever you cook to suit you best.

Anyway, I like my schnitzel thinner, my husband likes it thicker so I prepare the breast fillets accordingly. I also don’t use measuring cups or spoons and just feel my way around the recipe. Here’s my version of chicken schnitzel, it’s quick and easy to make and it’s very delicious.

What you’ll need:

1. Chicken breast fillets
2. Eggs
3. Flour
4. Japanese bread crumbs
5. salt and pepper
6. garlic powder
7. finely chopped parsley
8. vegetable oil
9. butter

Steps:

1. Prepare the chicken (cut the breast fillets diagonally if you want thinner slices). Use cling wrap to wrap each piece of chicken individually. Use a mallet or a meat tenderizer to pound the fillets and make them thinner. Set aside.
2. Prepare the flour mixture – Mix flour, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Set aside.
3. Get a bowl and beat your eggs thoroughly. Set aside.
4. Mix your Japanese bread crumbs and parsley. Set aside.
5. Take one fillet, cover it in the seasoned flour mixture, then dip it in scrambled eggs, then dip in the Japanese breadcrumbs mixture. Repeat the same procedure with the other breast fillets.
6. Put cooking oil on a pan, when it’s a bit hot, put a bit of butter in it, then put the fillets.
7. Fry until each side is golden brown. Don’t overcook because it won’t taste as good and the chicken meat will be dry.

I made our own dip instead of buying in the grocery store. Here’s my recipe for the dip.

What you need:

1. Mayonnaise
2. Garlic powder
3. Finely chopped garlic (if you don’t like too much garlic on your dip, just use garlic powder)
4. Pickle relish
5. Finely chopped parsley
6. Cooking cream
7. Salt and pepper
8. One boiled egg

Just mix all the ingredients together (mash the egg very well) and chill. Use the pickle relish to add a bit of sweetness to your mixture and balance it out with salt.

Pretty easy, right?

In a better place. Finally.

I got depressed after we lost the baby. It was pretty scary, and I’ve never felt like it before. I felt like there was a bubble around my head, and for a moment it really seemed like I would never be happy again. I knew in my mind that it’s not true, but I just couldn’t will myself into feeling better. It was like going through a dark corridor with no end in sight. Nothing was interesting enough to read or watch. It always seemed that anything I ate had no taste, even if they were my favorite food. Nothing could lift my spirits. My husband  was struggling too. We were both silently grieving and just holding on to one another.

We’re finally in a better place now, although not entirely out of the dark cloud. It’s just hard. Now I realize that when people are depressed, a large part of them actually struggle to believe that things will get better. Sometimes it’s better to just hold their hand and stay with them until things get better. It takes time and a lot of love and support.

A death so sudden.

My husband and I lost our baby last Wednesday. We heard its heartbeat for the first time six days before we found out that the baby died in my uterus. We were supposed to go in for a checkup on Thursday so we decided to get an ultrasound just to sort of take a peek and hear the heartbeat again, my husband and I were just so excited. “Your baby has no fetal heart tones” was definitely something we thought we would hear. Aside from my low blood pressure, I felt nothing to indicate that there was a problem. Absolutely nothing. It was a silent miscarriage, and it had no signs. We could guess about what caused it, but we’ll never know for sure.

Then on Thursday we went in for a D&C. I can honestly say that it’s the most physically and emotionally painful thing I’ve ever had to go through. Seven hours of induced labor, then I was sedated twice but I still wouldn’t go under. The pain was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. Labor pains are traumatic. Going through it gave me a new respect for women who go through childbirth naturally and without epidural.  The OB was able to extract the fetus in the end, with all its body parts intact. The little head, the eyes, arms, and legs. My husband and I were enthralled for a moment at how such a little thing can change our lives in such a big way. It’s strange but through all the turmoil of physical and emotional pain, there’s a certain quiet that I felt when I saw my child, my little baby, even for a little while. This life, after all, is temporary and filled with so much pain and suffering. I believe in the existence of heaven, and I believe I will see my child again when it’s my time to go. It gave me some measure of comfort.

My husband was beside me through it all. I couldn’t ask for a better partner from the time we found out I was pregnant to the time when the baby died. From happiness to extreme pain. He shared in all of it and held my hand through everything. After my D&C, he sat in my room through the night, watching over me and checking if I was comfortable, if my IV drips are working, if I was having a bad dream… I just couldn’t ask for a better companion.

I’ve stopped updating my Twitter and Facebook account because it’s filled with well-meaning and loving people who sometimes just say the wrong things. Things like “ganyan talaga”, “hindi pa kaloob ng Diyos”, “hindi pa para sa inyo yan”, etcetera, etcetera. I know they mean well and they really just want to express their love and concern, but I don’t feel that they understand this kind of pain. I really just want to be allowed to feel cheated out of this happiness that I felt, I want to be allowed to feel upset and angry and devastated for a while. I just want to feel the silent company of my friends who will just hold my hand through it all and not offer empty words that have been used to push away other people’s pain so many times before. Sadly, not many of them understand.

A friend emailed me just a few seconds ago. She was checking how I was, telling me that it takes time to heal from this sort of thing, and that she lost a baby when she was five months pregnant. Five months! I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. Like how my mom felt when she lost Jonathan. That must have hurt so bad. She went through almost a whole day of labor only to give birth to a baby she already knows is dead.

So much sadness. My husband and I were talking quietly earlier. He told me that he can’t go though anything like that anymore, that it hurt him a lot to see me in pain. I told him that I love him even more now than I did before.  This just brought us closer together and gave us a new level of intimacy. Someday we may still have a child and share in the joys of parenthood but today, I’m just thankful for my husband, my family, my friends, and kind strangers who make the burden of carrying this pain easier for me.

7 weeks, 5 days.

Just a few weeks ago, the baby was so small, probably as small as a sesame seed. Now it’s as big as a blueberry, and growing fast. The baby’s head is growing brain cells at a rate of 100 cells per minute, imagine that. This week, the baby’s little arms and legs will begin to grow. The mouth and tongue are also already forming, as well as the kidneys. Isn’t that amazing?

I was lying there, with my husband at the foot of the bed when we heard the heartbeat of the baby. It was an amazing experience, I couldn’t help but cry. A few days ago, I was thinking that men should have been the ones who were created to born children. Now, I’m amazed at the experience of being able to feel life growing inside me.

I’m not supposed to be on my feet yet, at least not until the spotting stops. The doctor said that the baby’s heart rate is healthy, my cervix is closed, and there’s no hematoma or cysts in my uterus or ovary. So far, so good. I just have to continue eating healthy food and resting in bed for a few more weeks.

Unfolding

Danger Signs

The doctor said that I need complete bed rest. She said my body wasn’t recognizing there’s a baby inside me, and it’s trying to push the baby out, causing me to bleed a little. I’ve been staying in bed since yesterday, standing up only to go to the rest room. It’s difficult to lie down, thinking about why the spotting isn’t stopping. The doctor mentioned something, a medical condition, but I don’t want to think of it just yet. I just want to sit here and rest and pray that my child will survive the first trimester.

My husband is being very supportive of me. I just cannot imagine going through this without him. He takes care of even the smallest needs that I have and always comforts and reassures me. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like if he’s still working at Accenture and keeping the hours he used to keep back then. Most of the time he would go home and be so tired that all he can do is sleep. How can he take care of a bed-ridden wife who cannot even get up to cook for herself? If I was still working in a call center, I probably won’t be allowed to be on (unpaid) leave for so long. At least now, I can work a little while resting and spread out my work throughout the day.

I’m a little worried, but in my heart I have peace. I can’t explain it, but that’s how I feel. I limit my interaction with other people on the internet because I don’t want this peace in my heart to be disturbed. I need this.

Zen

I remember taking this shot with my Yashica rangefinder. I was already on my way home from a photo walk at La Mesa Ecopark. This traffic police stands on the same spot everyday, the middle of a huge intersection. Facing motorists and pedestrians that just don’t want to listen. It’s a thankless, dangerous job.